I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
