from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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