I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize