It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
