Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
