My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
