Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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