And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
