ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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