Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
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