I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
