shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
