I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Randomize
