i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I wish I only lived at night.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
