do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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