I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
