I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
