Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
