you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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