When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
