I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
