can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
