Got a toothbrush?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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