i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
