you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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