hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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