Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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