Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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