if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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