No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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