Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
