You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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