Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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