So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
