I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
