I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
