she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
