apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
