So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
