if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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