happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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