I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
i need some magic done to my vagina
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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