I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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