I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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