So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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