I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize