She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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