This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
