My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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