I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
