I'm eating all of the evidence.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
