Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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