I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
