Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Randomize
