i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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