No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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