Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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