mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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