I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize