His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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