did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
did you just send me my own nude
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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