Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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